OH NO!! I woke up without underwear? Let me think…I know I went to bed with some. I am a very embarrassed five year old. Now I need to tell my mommy. I gather my courage to find her and there she is in the kitchen. When I tell her, she laughs and points to the back door. There they are as if I had just walked right out of them, laying there by the door. My daddy gets up really early and leaves for work. I don’t recall why they were at the door, but I remember my shame and embarrassment as my mommy stood there laughing and then went back to making breakfast.
A Child Has No Words to Explain
I also remember being 3 or 4 waking up from a nap. I cautiously looked around my darkened house, all the curtains were closed and it seemed no one was home. Then I found my daddy on his bed, his legs hanging off because he was so very tall. All I felt was fear. I froze for a moment, when I realized he was not getting up because he was sleeping, I frantically ran around the house trying to find someone else. No one was there so I curled up on the couch and cried. I cried until my mom came home. When I told her I was afraid because no one was there with me, she said that my daddy was home and I should know that she would never leave me alone without someone there. Then she gave me a cookie. Somehow, she didn’t know how afraid I was, I didn’t know any better how to explain it.
I Asked But Nobody Listened.
Now, I am 9-12 and getting very weary of my father tickling me and trapping me under his legs. He is so big and strong and I am powerless. I am afraid, can’t breathe, very angry because I am yelling at him to stop, but I can’t stop laughing either because I am so ticklish. He keeps grabbing me in places that I know is so wrong. My torrent of emotions is so confusing, but I fight as if for my life and I can tell that he likes it. Then he comments about my body and I flush with embarrassment. It does seem nice to have some attention. In my family, usually all the attention I get is negative because I am so vocal, so rough and always in trouble for giving my sisters a hard time. If only they would see what is happening when they aren’t around. I really tried to tell my mom that I need dad to quit tickling me, that I did not like it and wanted it to stop.
Just Get Me Out of Here!!
Mom!! PLEASE let me go with you to take my older sisters to school!! (“Don’t leave me with him!” is what I am really pleading under my breath, I don’t even really know how to explain why.) She looks at me as if to say, “now why would I want trouble to come with me, you are a burden”, but she really says, “Shannon, dad is here, I just need to drop them off and have a moment to myself”. At this point I am being homeschooled in the 6th grade, so I get started on my work. As soon as mom is out of the driveway, dad calls me into the kitchen to show me something special. I had such dread all morning and now there was nowhere to hide. He tells me he knows my best ticklish spot and shows me his. He pulls down his pants and his underwear. UGH!!! What is that thing?! Gross, I just don’t even understand what I am looking at, but my stomach is churning and I am trying to get away from the look in his eyes, from his heavy breathing… but he is gripping my arm so tightly. He makes me touch him and do things. Why couldn’t my mom take me with her? Is it because I am 12 and so tough and no one understands me?
The Side Effects.
I used to have lots of friends around me and now I feel like no one needs me or likes me, so I do what I have to do just to have someone like me, even if it is only fleeting. As soon as mom gets home, Dad is yelling at me in the usual fashion, and mom is so thankful he is there so she doesn’t have to deal with me for the moment.
I’ve Been Trained No One Will Listen- And That I Am Powerless-I Have No Way Out!
Now, I am 16 and by some miracle, I have my own room. Granted I have a bunk bed, nothing girly, but at least I can call it mine and sleep on the top every night if I want. Such control my father has in this house, no one can get a glass of milk without him yelling at us that we need to pay for it. Yet, somehow, I fight for a goodnight kiss. Usually, they tolerate us kissing their cheek, but as usual, dad gives me a hard time and I say again, “dad, don’t you love me?” Reluctantly, he lets me kiss him and then turns with cold eyes that I’d better get into bed… sometime around 1 in the morning I wake up to my heart pounding, and my skin crawling. I look down toward my feet and he is standing there looking at me with a gleam in his eyes. I am watching in disbelief as his arms disappear under my shorts and panties. He is moving all over me, all inside of me, I feel sick, afraid, hating the feeling of my body’s response. Somehow, I know if I yell, he will hurt me, so I pretend I am still sleeping. I can’t even remember how I survived and got through it.
More to The Story.
Sigh, but let me tell you, I survived. It wasn’t long after that when I confronted him. He came into my room to lecture me on something a few days later, but I was ready. I was contemplating killing him. Maybe he saw the determination in my eyes, maybe he saw something else, but when I interrupted him and told him to get out of my room, he stopped, looked at me funny and got out of my room. He never touched me again after that.
Many years later, my husband and I confronted my dad about the past – letting him know that he would not be allowed alone with our children. Well, this did not sit well with my father, all hell broke loose in his house. Later, I realized that if I had any concern about the potential for him to do the same with my children, and he still would not admit what he had done to me, I had to do more. I had to protect not only my own children but any child he could possibly corrupt. Yes, I confronted my family about this horrible secret. Yes, they all had stories of their own. We all decided to prosecute. He is now serving time.